WannaBee Alert: Vibrating Corkscrew Gaining Buzz…

Everyone deserves a good screw…corkscrew that is. And with an influx of screwtops on the market, encouraging Millenial drinkers especially to get their wine kicks by “capping off,” it’s easy to see why corkscrew designers are searching for creative new innovations to prevent from being dry-humped by the rising popularity of these EZ-to-open bottlings.

In fact, one new design firm has taken matters into their own hands by combining one of the most popular wine-opening devices with the practical ease and sensuous appeal of use of, ahem, a sex toy sharing its same name.

Not your ordinary Peter Cottontail, the new JackRabbit is a mechanical device mimicking the traditional Rabbit Corkscrew by Metrokane (alas, my favorite wine instrument) and, the most infamous sex toy made popular by the ladies of Sex & The City, the vibrating Rabbit (ha, you thought I would actually comment here!)

Like the original Rabbit, the new JackRabbit is made of pastel pink gunmetal and comes complete with a cutter, extra spiral, wine pourer and stopper. However, instead of using your man-power to pop open your grape juice, all you need are three AA batteries to get the job done for you.

The JackRabbit was introduced at a recent wine tasting held in New York City where various winos (myself included) had the opportunity to test out the new technology. And whether you think it’s a raunchy idea or not, the JackRabbit is already spreading as fast as an STD on New Years. Don’t believe me? Check out what some people are saying: 

• “I’m a man that appreciates holding power within my hands."
  
• “I could easily slip the JackRabbit in, and it did all the work for me.”
  
• “If drinking wine were sex, the JackRabbit would be my orgasm.”
  
• “I barely had to lift a finger and in a matter of seconds, out popped a juicy white.”
  

My thoughts? Let’s put it in perspective… when my roommate asked me what I had told my family I wanted for Christmas, I said, “I asked for a Rabbit.” She looked at me hesitantly and commented back, “I can’t believe you asked your mom and dad for one of those! Isn’t that a little inappropriate?” Alas, the idea is definitely there from a marketability standpoint. We are a society who yearns for everything to be conveniently at our fingertips, not to mention we are driven by sex and alcohol. So why not combine all those attributes to fill a consumer need? Who knows – it could serve you in more ways than one… and we all know that both always yield a fine glass of wine in the end.

APRIL FOOL’S

(…although I’m not going to discredit any company that ever decided to create such a device… there’s definitely and idea here, people J)

Looking for a few more chuckles this April Fools? Check out http://dregsreport.com, which includes various parodies written by winos all across the land (or follow the huge button for Dreg's on the top right side of the homepage).